Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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