After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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