Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
