Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
