My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
