I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
