He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
