Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
