kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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