I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
