3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Did I show you my penis last night?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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