I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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