Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
