I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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