I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
