How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
