Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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