I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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