I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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