Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Im part way to drunk.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
