I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
