wat bout pragnant strippers??
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
