I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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