We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize