dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i think i have herpe
just one?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
