Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
