I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
cat food counts as protein by the way
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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