whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Randomize