But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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