and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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