i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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