seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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