I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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