When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
