he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
