My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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