I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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