we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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