It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
