Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
