I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
