Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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