I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
