I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
