how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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