brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
