I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
