In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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