I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
