the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
They have beer where we have blood.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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