I hate your face
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
