Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
the night ended with taco bell and tears
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
