***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
