Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
