Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
