i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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