At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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