gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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