I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
