I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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